good grammar is a turn on, or, if you use the correct form of you’re/your I will probably try to make out with you

Spelling and grammar have always come naturally to me. In sixth grade, I placed fourth in a school district spelling bee, and growing up I almost always got 100% on my spelling tests. In fifth grade, one of my favorite parts of the school day was when my teacher would write a sentence on the board and we would have to fix the grammar so that it was correct. In college I worked as a writing tutor, where I got paid to help people edit their papers. Proofreading is actually fun for me. I could keep going, but I’m sure you all think I’m enough of a nerd, so onward we go…

Now, I admit that I’m not perfect. I have typos in my papers (and probably my blog posts, whatever) and I don’t always spell things correctly. However, I firmly believe that the world would be a better place if people would just follow the basic rules of grammar and punctuation. Do you know how many times I’ve seen an “official” looking sign with an apostrophe in the wrong place? “FREE MASSAGE’S TODAY ONLY.” (I’m pretty sure the massage does not own today, people.) And it would seem to me that most of the English speaking world does not know the difference between your/you’re and their/they’re/there and then/than and two/too/to and so on.

But like I said, these things are inherently part of my daily brain function, so when I see a glaring apostrophe where there should just be a plural noun, I want to rip my hair out. I can’t focus on anything else. That stupid apostrophe is the only thing that matters.

Mark my words, if you are good at grammar and you don’t make the same mistakes that it seems most people make now, chances are we could easily become best friends. I may or may not want to cuddle you and stroke your cheek. Sorry, but good grammar is just a turn on.

(On an slightly related note, my best friend sent me one of the funniest birthday gifts ever: this book, which is based on Bethany Keeley’s hilarious blog about “unnecessary” quotation marks. I pull it out every time I need a good laugh.)

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whose conversation is this?

I’m not a Valentine’s Day person. Not just because I’m bitter and single, but because I find it stupid that you need a designated day to tell the people you love how important they are to you. (Although, truthfully, these days it seems that being “against” V-Day is just as cliche as being “for” it.) But even though I’m anti-Cupid, I am fiercely pro-chocolate, so I take advantage of all of the delicious confections that are displayed in every store I set foot in after New Years Day. Who cares if they’re wrapped in vomit-inducing pink heart wrapping? They still taste delicious.

The other day I bought a bag of conversation hearts. I don’t even really like them that much since they’re not made of chocolate, but for some reason (probably the fact that I hadn’t eaten lunch yet) they looked tasty, so I threw them in my cart. They’re a classic Valentine candy, and they’ll only be around for a little while, right? Whatever. As I was eating a few and reading their messages, I couldn’t help but think about how inaccurate the “conversations” printed on these little heart-shaped wafers are. “E-MAIL ME?” “FRIEND 4EVER?” “GOOD 4 U?” No one says this crap anymore! If people were ever to try to use these candies to have a “conversation,” they would fail. These don’t reflect real relationships at all. (Then again, neither does the entire concept of Valentine’s Day, but whatever.) So, sitting alone in my apartment eating these sugary (somewhat disgusting, which I had forgotten) hearts, I came up with some, er, realistic sayings that I think they should print. Then, because I’m an even bigger loser, I made my own candy hearts using this site¬†and voila! Realistic candy hearts!

Then again, maybe the charm of these little candies actually lies in their outdated expressions…