good grammar is a turn on, or, if you use the correct form of you’re/your I will probably try to make out with you

Spelling and grammar have always come naturally to me. In sixth grade, I placed fourth in a school district spelling bee, and growing up I almost always got 100% on my spelling tests. In fifth grade, one of my favorite parts of the school day was when my teacher would write a sentence on the board and we would have to fix the grammar so that it was correct. In college I worked as a writing tutor, where I got paid to help people edit their papers. Proofreading is actually fun for me. I could keep going, but I’m sure you all think I’m enough of a nerd, so onward we go…

Now, I admit that I’m not perfect. I have typos in my papers (and probably my blog posts, whatever) and I don’t always spell things correctly. However, I firmly believe that the world would be a better place if people would just follow the basic rules of grammar and punctuation. Do you know how many times I’ve seen an “official” looking sign with an apostrophe in the wrong place? “FREE MASSAGE’S TODAY ONLY.” (I’m pretty sure the massage does not own today, people.) And it would seem to me that most of the English speaking world does not know the difference between your/you’re and their/they’re/there and then/than and two/too/to and so on.

But like I said, these things are inherently part of my daily brain function, so when I see a glaring apostrophe where there should just be a plural noun, I want to rip my hair out. I can’t focus on anything else. That stupid apostrophe is the only thing that matters.

Mark my words, if you are good at grammar and you don’t make the same mistakes that it seems most people make now, chances are we could easily become best friends. I may or may not want to cuddle you and stroke your cheek. Sorry, but good grammar is just a turn on.

(On an slightly related note, my best friend sent me one of the funniest birthday gifts ever: this book, which is based on Bethany Keeley’s hilarious blog about “unnecessary” quotation marks. I pull it out every time I need a good laugh.)

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