5 things that are probably taking years off my life

It’s the end of the year at boarding school. In less than three days, all the kids will be packed up and shipped back where they came from, and I will probably be sucking my thumb on the floor. While all of the goodbyes and end of the year parties and hugs and reminiscing are a beautiful part of this job, I’m also halfway to losing my mind completely. For some reason, I blocked this insane time of year out of my memories from my previous year here. So, because I just bit all my fingernails off (something I stopped doing at age 14), I decided to compile a list of all the things that are stressing me out and therefore probably shortening my lifespan significantly.

1. The pile of dirty laundry in the corner of my room is large enough for me to hide within and not be found should I ever need to avoid an attack by a villain in a Stephen King novel/movie or win an extreme game of hide and seek with a million dollars at stake. I have no idea when said pile of laundry will have time to be washed in the immediate future, so it will continue to grow until it’s large enough for two people to hide from Johnny Depp’s multiple personality killer in Secret Window. Even thinking about this massive amount of laundry and the possibility of having to re-wear underwear before I get a chance to wash it all gives me a tiny ulcer.

2. My main source of nutrition has been meals made up of any combination of the following: chicken strips from any of the fast food restaurants in the surrounding area, parmesan & garlic Triscuits, grapefruit juice, honey mustard Pringles, mini Babybel cheeses, and cupcakes. Writing that out actually made me feel like I was dying a little bit.

3. I drink on average 3.67 large iced coffees a day. This data is merely an estimation and has been thrown off slightly by the few times I mistakenly ordered the “medium” size, which is the biggest waste of money ever because why order a medium when a large is only several cents more and will give you more minutes filled with iced coffee enjoyment while you obsessively check Facebook and then plan your next trip to the grocery store to buy more things that will rot your insides?

4. The last time I got more than five hours of sleep in a night was weeks ago, because when I finally get done working at midnight, hastily remove my makeup, and collapse into bed, my internal monologue suddenly reads like a Steinbeck novel (if Steinbeck ever wrote a novel about an anxiety-ridden twenty-something) while I analyze in great detail everything that crosses my mind: any loose ends I could have left hanging during my afternoon desk shift, my to-do list for the next day, possible future blog topics, emails I forgot to reply to, how I will decorate my future apartment, what kind of tattoo I would get if I got one, possible scenarios in Candy Crush Saga, how I can get John Krasinski to @reply to me on Twitter. Then, once I exhaust myself enough to stop thinking through how to formulate a Tweet that would catch John Krasinski’s attention and make him fall in love with me over the internet, I fall asleep and my iPhone alarm vibrates next to my face only a few hours later. The next day, I go through my day like a zombie, ingest 3.67 large iced coffees, breathe a sigh of relief when my closing shift ends at midnight, pull on my PJs, and the vicious cycle starts all over again.

5. I have lost count of how many mosquito bites are covering my body, but it’s definitely in the double digits. I know this may not seem like a big enough thing to decrease my lifespan, but if any of the mutant mosquitoes (seriously, I just killed one that was the size of a fly) that have hatched in northern Michigan happen to be carrying diseases, it might. And won’t you be sorry if I contract some mosquito-borne disease and die young, huh?

I’ll probably wake up tomorrow morning and everything will be sunshine and rainbows and hugs from my girls. I’ll probably forget about these stressful things while I suck down yet another iced coffee, but for now, I’m going to hope writing this blog entry at least cuts down on the number of things I have to think about while I try to fall asleep tonight.

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